What happened? Why are we homeschooling? My decision to homeschool wasn't brought on by one thing alone. It was a culmination of many smaller things (small being a relative term).
In short, I felt that there was a breakdown in communication this year. I accept some responsibility for this, as I am just not very good at playing the games that are necessary within the system of special ed. Perhaps it is emotional immaturity or sensitivity on my part (likely!), but I simply do not know how to pretend to be friendly and cooperative when someone is spitting horse shit in my eye. It is VERY hard for me. I can't be with you AND against you. It's just not how I'm built. If we're on the same side, with the same goals in mind, I expect open, honest communication. This can include disagreement at times, but it should also include sharing the REASONS for disagreeing rather than ignoring or dismissing the input. I got tired of losing sleep over it all and decided to spend my energy - my life - elsewhere. Bitter-sweet.
There were also many changes this year, and at least two of them were poor choices that could have been avoided and might have made a difference: 1) They changed his support person (the one he had last year was a gem and a good fit for JC (and me!)); 2)Very few (only 2) of his wonderful peers from K were in his class this year. Even now, as I type this, it upsets me. :(
In addition, I saw some things with the new peers this year that concerned me, mostly because they didn't seem to be on any one's radar and weren't being addressed or nipped in the bud. The kind of things that could become problems for a child like JC if left unchecked (like teasing and asking a him to repeat a word over and over because his articulation was poor and it sounded funny). I don't blame the children, though - they are still young children, learning themselves.
There was, however, no shortage of caring. JC is a memorable little guy and many of the teachers who knew him appeared to genuinely care about him. But while it is an essential ingredient, caring alone is not enough.
Following is a quote from a friend that sums it up for me. She wrote this in response to another mom who is struggling with a support staff person in her school district, and when I read it a light bulb went off for me. I wish I had thought to say it myself:
"I hope the person you speak with will understand that you're not just complaining be/c she hasn't followed through with stuff with you, but that your concern is that she doesn't seem to know how to help [your son]. Her poor follow-through with you is simply a symptom of that, IMHO."It's also only fair to add that my son's needs are many. He can be a challenge to accommodate in a public school system without an exceptional team and sufficient resources. He has ASD, but I feel the bigger (or equal) obstacles to school success for him are dyspraxia (and attention deficits). Dyspraxia is a motor planning and coordination disorder. What it means for JC is that he has difficulty planning and executing gross and fine motor movements that come so easily to other kids. He just can't get his body to do what he wills it to do, when he wills it to do it. This impacts his life in oh so many ways - like climbing stairs or play equipment, running, recess, his ability to keep his body still and upright in a chair for an extended period, dressing, putting on shoes, riding a trike, opening a door, etc. And of course in the classroom, it impacts his writing, his ability to use scissors and pretty much anything else that requires coordination of both hands to manipulate objects. It very clearly sets him apart from his peers, and, sadly, he is acutely aware that his peers can do so many things that are SO hard for him. This awareness is good on one hand in that it is often absent for many children with ASD, but it is also painful as it can be the root of behaviors and a threat to self-esteem. And if I had to choose ONLY 1 thing to give my son, it would be self-esteem.
In addition to this, he is a very bright boy. He's a strong reader, has an amazing visual memory, he makes connections between topics, recognizes patterns, and appears to have a good head for numbers. Highly distractable, yes, but very capable of learning along with typically developing peers (and, btw, he was mainstreamed for K, successfully, at HIS request). In fact, his K year was successful enough that "the team" decided he should be promoted to 1st grade, despite his developmental delays, because w/ proper physical and emotional support, he was able to grasp all of the concepts covered and they were worried that he would be bored to death if he had to repeat K. Also, this year before I pulled him from school, he had been placed in the highest level reading group (a bit of an experiment) and was reportedly doing well.
So, as you can see, he has many abilities in addition to his challenges, and I just felt that I could create a more individualized, developmentally appropriate program for him at home where he would be guaranteed to get the 1:1 teaching that he needs. And, frankly,
I felt that I owed it to us both to at least try. How's it going? Overall it's going really well. It's not perfect, of course, but at this point the pros still outweigh the cons (yes, of course there are cons!).
Pros: Life is a bit more peaceful. I no longer spend too much time and energy worrying about whether or not he is being supported in ways that benefit him. No more guessing about how his day went because communication from school was limited and his ability to share about his day is limited as well. No more worrying that his days in regular ed classes are limited because he had an outburst due to misunderstanding, or being misunderstood, or a lack of preparation and front loading of expectations by the adults. No more reading between the lines when e-mails go unanswered or questions are avoided.
Now I spend "too much time" researching curricula, searching for printables and other fun activities to support what we're learning. And reading about how to develop strengths and social awareness. And reworking our schedule. We've only been doing this officially for about 7 weeks, and I think we're on our 3rd schedule revision. I trust that it is not the last! (Definitely sympathize w/ the schools where scheduling is concerned!)
JC seems happier and calmer. He still has his moments, of course, but his behavior has largely improved. He seems to like homeschooling and has expressed that he wants to continue (thank goodness) - and he understands that he has to do work at home.
He is more willing to engage in activities that are challenging for him without a fuss. Things like coloring, which is a highly UNdesirable activity for him. His coloring skills are still far behind, but he's improving and even enjoying the process on occasion. Slow and steady.
He is being
heard. Because we're home and he has the 1:1 attention that is dedicated to him and only him, by someone who understands him and how he thinks (with some exceptions ;) ), we are able to take advantage of many teaching moments that aren't always possible at school. Some might argue that the "real world" isn't going to slow down and give him this time to repeat himself or expand his ideas that aren't related to the topic at hand. To those I say that's all the more reason to take the time to do it now before he has to go out into the real world on his own - if we're lucky enough for that to happen in the future. I also think of this John Dewey quote: "Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself." The same could be said of childhood, of course. Childhood isn't only preparation for life, it IS life. And a huge, far-reaching part of it.
We're also enjoying a ton of quality time together, and because I'm not stressed out about school, I have more patience and energy. In some ways, I feel that we're getting back time that was lost in his toddler years which were so full of therapy, research, worry (of a different, more intense kind). I am grateful for the Early Intervention programs and early preschool programs available to children like mine with special needs, and at the time I was VERY ready for him to attend and really did benefit, but he's at a place developmentally now where I feel that I can really enjoy him. And I feel very fortunate to be in a position to.
Unfortunately, one of the saddest aspects of raising a child on the autism spectrum is that as parents we worry so much about their future that we don't always remember (or have time or energy leftover) to simply enjoy the here and now. Another benefit, of course, is that his daily program is tailored to his specific needs. This means we start most days with "morning exercise" (a walk, a bike ride, some jogging, dancing, whatever) to wake up our brains and get some wiggles out. We also have built in movement breaks and a period of "Fine Motor Fun" during which we do some sort of craft or task related to what we're learning (could be cutting out vocab cards, gluing, building, etc.) - or we just work on fine motor skills in other ways that are not related to other lessons. He needs this. Daily. We also have the ability to make lessons short and sweet - 20 minutes or LESS. Research shows that less time per lesson/topic is more for most children - and it is certainly true for this child (and his mother ;) ).
Flexibility. Yes, it's a beautiful thing.
Cons:I miss being part of a larger community (though we're working to develop this w/ homeschoolers and other community enrichment programs, it will take some time). I miss seeing some of the really awesome moms that were involved in the PTA this year. I miss the EVENTS. I miss the IDEA of elementary school life and the sea of children. I miss the pretty classrooms and all the STUFF.
I LOVE THE STUFF!! LOL
I worry about what he needs that I might be missing. But I always have. So I keep reading and learning. And I do believe that what I'm NOT missing will serve him well.
I don't have those school hours to work on selfish projects or get to doctor's appointments now. That's a bit of a bummer, but so far it's not so bad, really. And my husband is very good about giving me time to myself in the evenings if I need it. I am really
very lucky in this regard.
The big one: The fear that creeps up when I least expect it is that he won't have the protection of his peer community as he gets older, if we continue with homeschooling long term. This was the real HOPE (ideal) of public school - and part of the reason I was so sad to see how few of his peers from last year were with him this year. But there is no guarantee of this either way, and we do do have time to work this out and create peer communties, but it is a tremendous responsibility that I do not take lightly. I have to have faith that we'll find what he needs.
So there you have it. And one more thing: This kid is AWESOME!!
