Time to Detox

*Deep Breath* Hold it in* Exhale* Repeat* Aaaah!

The past couple of weeks have been heavy, clearly obvious by some of my weighted posts recently. But today is a new day, the start of a(nother) new chapter with new opportunities.

Today is JC's last day at the private school we chose for him over the summer. In short, for those who don't know, I concluded early into the new school that it was not an appropriate placement for our son. I made a mistake and had to accept and admit this in order to correct it. Not particularly pleasant, but such is life. Ironically, of course, the report about his behavior yesterday was that he did a "terrific job." This could be in part that he was adjusting, but I can't help but suspect that there was also an energy shift (his and theirs) once it was clear that he would not be continuing there. But in any case, good days are good, regardless of why, I suppose.

He will spend most of next week home with me, returning to our neighborhood school for part of the day on Friday, 9/4, then returning full-time after Labor Day. The teachers and support staff there that know us are reportedly (through a mom friend) thrilled that JC will be returning, which does my heart much good. And JC himself seems to be very pleased with this new plan. I know he will be thrilled with the positive attention (as always) and familiar faces. People who already know him, "get" him, and adore him (of course ;) ).

So for the first four days of next week we will plan some local field trips and some structured "mom school" activities to prepare him for his return to school. On the fourth day, in the afternoon, I will take him to visit the general ed kindergarten class where he will spend about 30 minutes each morning (for starters) to share in their circle time. I know that he will want to explore the new space and any/all materials within his reach, so I hope that by giving him a chance to do that before he starts, he can get it out of his system enough to participate a bit better, with less distraction the following day.

So, now that that is all set (for the most part), I've decided to take a look back over some of the very positive experiences we had this summer before the end when anxiety took over.
I kept him home with me this summer, which save for the last few weeks after our trip up north, was a really good call, I think. We enjoyed zoo school, grew butterflies, family trips, games, a few play dates, and a trip up north, which included seeing his Lady Liberty and a gathering w/ friends at Central Park in NYC.

Also, he learned how to rhyme this summer! :) This of course is something (like many things) that he takes to an extreme (For example, I might ask, "How was PE today?" and he'll respond with, "What rhymes with PE, mom?"), but we'll work through that, I'm sure. He also learned about other languages and can count to ten in Spanish and desperately wants to know how to say words in French and German, but it has become a bit obsessive, so we're discouragin it for now. But we do accept "adios" instead of good-bye most days. :) He's also now able to identify many numbers up to 100. He still gets a bit tripped up w/ 13, 14 & 15 because they sound so similar, so I'm providing the written word to help him distinguish between them.

And, I am proud to announce that he goes to bed like a big boy now. I took back the bedtime routine from dh during the week, on a mission, and it worked out well. JC now has a healthy routine of story time, juice, kisses and hugs, and then we leave the room and he gets himself to sleep. And we're even keeping his door open. :) Prior to this new "mission" dh did bedtime most days and would lie down with JC, sometimes taking up to an hour for him to sleep. This was something I was not happy about (it was physically difficult as JC would become super hyped and would climb all over us until he crashed) and had very little patience for. I'm beyond pleased that this is behind us now. It makes life easier for all of us, really, and will make it much easier to hire sitters to stay with him during the evening (when we grow that money tree). :)
Also, after reading a few stories from the library or his book shelf this week, we have ended by reading a couple of pages from his "First Picture Dictionary." This has really been quite pleasant for us both. He's been surprisingly attentive and interested and is making some wonderful connections (like, "Chimpanzees, chickens and cheetahs are all animals dat sart wiff ch!" and "Chickens not have fur!")

So, this summer brought many positives memories, and today I wish to remember them and feel their warmth.

The Heavy Load of Love

I remember worrying about decisions I made for my daughter when she was little. How difficult it was when I had to send her to child care for the first time so that I could work, and how important it was to find a place where she would be safe and happy. And I remember worrying about how I handled some of the social tragedies of growing up as a little girl in this beautiful but harsh world. Always wondering, questioning, adjusting, regrouping, succeeding, failing, trying again.

So in many ways what I've been experiencing as a parent to my second child is nothing new. I've been down a similar road before, and despite some pretty big obstacles, my daughter and I both survived. At this point she has started down her own path and I am simply a bystander on a path not too far away, ready and willing to swim a river to get to her if she falls and needs a hand. So far she's really only needed a shout out on ocassion. She's a strong young woman. And my love for her is different now, as she is her own person with her own destiny that began with me but will end seperately. But the love is just as powerful as it ever was. Though the worries are at least a little smaller now.

I really needed to remember this today as I struggle with the choices I have made and will make for my son, a child every bit as wonderful but with very different needs than my girl. His needs in some ways are greater, most certainly in the eyes of the rest of the world, yet in some ways they are smaller and easier. Perhaps just because my eyes are older and my values have changed a bit over time. Except for knowing how to best help him fit into the structure of the world outside of our home -- that is hard. Damn hard some days. And I have stumbled recently.

But I'm getting back up, trying again, marching onward. There is no alternative, really.

But again, it's important for me to remember that every parent, regardless of whether their child is typically developing or not, wants the rest of the world to see through to the beauty within their children. Every parent wants others to know that their child is special and valuable and worth the time and effort to know and encourage, nurture and protect. Being the parent of a special needs child certainly brings with it some unique concerns - all relative to the degree of need, of course - but essentially, at the core, all parents want and worry for their children. No parents have guarantees about how their children will turn out or what the future will hold. We're all just trying to get through, hoping that at the end of the day - and the end of this life - we have had more successes than failures . . . more moments to treasure than ones we wish we could forget.

One. Thing. At. A. Time. Let's start with SCD!

As is standard procedure for me, I have reached that point in my "funky state" (that dark place I go to when I'm overwhelmed with all of the responsibilities of being a grown-up in this imperfect life) when I just can't tolerate the funk no mo! So, I decided this morning that I had to put on my big girl panties (and boy are they big these days!) and start DOING something, rather than allowing what I'm FEELING to paralyze me another day. After all, the majority of the things that are weighing on me cannot be corrected over night, and a few of them are - at least temporarily - out of my control. And in any case, I can't tackle them all at once. So I'm letting go and getting busy.

Today, pay day (thank G-d!!), I stocked up on all of the necessary items to start JC on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) again. Some parents of children on the autism spectrum use the diet because they see cognitive or behavioral progress from their children when they do. I am doing it (this time around), largely to address some GI issues (gastritis and severe regurjitation), but I will gladly accept any cognitive or behavioral improvements that might occur, of course.

This afternoon I got started with a few basics that will be necessary for school lunches.

1. Banana Muffins (I've made these on and off since I found the recipe because they're so simple and healthy, and little man loves 'em)

*6 eggs, 1 1/2 cups of walnuts, 1/3 cup of honey -- blend for 4 minutes
*Add 1 - 1 1/2 RIPE bananas (must have brown spots) -- blend for 2 minutes
*Add 1 tsp baking soda, 1 tsp organic vanilla -- blend for a few seconds
*Add sprinkle of salt and stir

Bake @ 350 for about 30 minutes. Muffin tops will fall flat, but they're moist and tasty!

2. Walnut Spice Cookies
*2 cups walnuts, 1 Tbsp cinnamon - grind in blender
*whisk 2 egg whites until frothy
*combine egg whites with 1/4 cup of honey and walnut/cinnamon mixture - blend together w/ hands or spoon
*Drop by teaspoon onto cookie sheet and bake @ 350 for about 15 minutes

3. Vegetable Meat Loaf
(I made mini-loaves using a kit I bought at a yard sale years ago, which is basically a muffin tin w/ holes in the bottom that sits atop a baking pan)

*Cut up medium onion, 1 stalk of celery, small amount of green pepper (I did not), 1 carrot, 1 sprig of parsley (I forgot!).
* Place 1 medium fresh tomato OR 1/2 cup of tomato juice (tomatoes & salt ONLY) w/ the cut veggies in a blender and blend until pretty fairly smooth.
*Empty blender contents into bowl and mix with 1 1/2 pounds of ground beef (I used serloin).
*Season w/ salt and pepper (I forgot that, too!)
*Form into loaf and Bake @ 350 for about an hour

That's all for now. Tomorrow I will get busy again. On the agenda: soaking beans, making homemade ketchup, mayonaise & applesauce, roasting a chicken and vegetables, and baking "Granola chews."

Updated w/ photos of spice cookies and macaroons made the following day . . .

Overwhelmed

by Joel Samberg

Mr. Webster says it's "feeling, showing, marked by nervous strain."
When a cargo load of tension pounds upon my weary brain
I smash guitars
I throw glass jars
I scream and curse
Become perverse
My music blares
From down dark stairs
... and then I feel much better.
Mr. Webster says "excite, provoke," to feed the heart's sensation
To keep it pimping, keep it warm
I need some stimulation
Like eating food
And being shrewd
Or cashing checks
And having sex
Like opening night
And being right
... without it I would fade.
Mr. webster says "lack of success, a decline or decay."
When stimulation fails to touch
My heart for just one day
I smash guitars
I throw glass jars
I scream and curse
Become perverse
My music blares
From down dark stairs
... and I don't feel much better.

Farewell Summer

My beautiful boy started his first day of kindergarten at a new private school this morning. I've been torturing myself for weeks about the decision to send him there vs. the neighborhood public school or homeschooling. I worry constantly about whether or not I'm serving him in the ways that are best for him. But a few things happened this morning that have given me a sense of peace and perspective.



First, we had this lovely (and very typical, I might add) interaction this morning:



This morning I climbed into bed to wake my little man. He opened his eyes and looked up at me immediately.

Me: Good morning, sweet boy.

JC: No, is not time a wake up in the mornin yet.


Me: (giggling) It's not?



JC: (smiling back at me) I missed you.


Me: (melting) I missed you, too, sweet boy. Today is the first day of school!


JC: I remember wa first day of zoo school before. . . and wa first day of BS (his last school) . . . and now I have wa first day of . . .

Me: MA (name of new school) and kindergarten

JC: (Big smile)

Me: Are you excited?

JC: Yes, I start first day at one more schoool.

Me: Yes. You're a kindergartener now.


JC: (looking at the window) It's not mornin yet

Me: We have to wake up early on school days. Let's go potty and then have some breakfast.


JC: What's for beckfass, mommy?


Me: An egg omelet w/ vegetables and a little cheese on top.


JC: I don't remember dat in a while.



<3>



This interaction told me a few things: 1) I am absolutely blessed; 2) He is eager to be back in a school environment around other children; 3) He trusts me (not sure how I came to that conclusion, but it's what I felt)



Then, as we drove to school this morning I reminded him to have fun and be a good friend. And I explained that some children are still learning to talk while others talk very well. And some use sign language. And that it's OK. Everyone learns differently.



He seemed to really be taking it all in.



As I dropped him off, I told him that I loved him and would pick him up after lunch. He greeted the classroom assistants who took him from the car at the car circle with enthusiasm, and as they walked toward the school building, he looked back twice and waved good-bye. *sniff* He is such a brave and confident young man. I'd like to think that I have had some small part of that, though I think most of his awesomeness is his own doing.



Last, but certainly not least, I read my friend K's blog this morning and it brought me to tears. In part because I'm in a pretty vulnerable place with my little man growing up before my eyes, and in part because her words are so true. I WILL make mistakes as a parent. We all do. And heaven knows I made my share with my first-born. And with a special needs child those fears are magnified, as it is sometimes impossible to be objective and even more impossible to predict the future. But I also do something right, something important: I let him know daily how wanted and wonderful he is.



If you have a chance to read or follow my friend's blog, I highly recommend it. She's a gem. <3>




Here is the entry in particular that moved me this morning: http://drycappucino.blogspot.com/2009/08/sooc-saturday-being-loved-part-two.html

Love to all!

Green & Blue

I've realized recently that I am most at peace when I'm surrounded by green and blue. Trees, grass, sky, water. I'm not very athletic, G-d knows, but I love parks, picnics and outdoor markets. And I love just sitting outside, doing nothing, just being. And whenever I dream of having quality alone time, I always imagine sitting alone under an old oak tree on a grassy hill. And I've often thought I should be buried under a tree when I pass.


So perhaps dh's idea of relocating to NC (Charlotte area) in a year or two is something we should consider more seriously. Rumor has it there's plenty of green there. And mild temps. Change of seasons but very little snow. Hills. Trees. Hills. Trees. Sky. Lakes. Hmmm.

His argument for it is of course the change of seasons and milder summers, but also that it would be half way between my family and his, and a short enough distance that we could drive it in a day and have our car with us for the visit. Sounds reasonable. We'll see if it comes to pass.


We are presently living in a condo, which was a move intended to cut spending so that we could put the $ saved toward more important priorities. It was a big adjustment initially, as we downsized from a 4br house to a 2 br condo, but what we miss more than space is having our own outdoor gathering place. We do have a TINY screened patio out back here, but it's not comfortable for more than one person at a time, really. It's the one thing dh and I both complain about regularly. Otherwise our place has become cozy and comfortable enough. Our needs are met and the general location is good (next to a nice park, centrally located, etc.).


But while in NJ for our vacation recently, we stayed with dh's younger brother, D. D lives in a bungalow at the end of a dead-end street that backs up to a high school field. The perimiter of the school field is fenced and overgrown with trees, shrubs and vines, so he only has neighbors in front (across the street) and on one side. And even on the side there is a patch of green between his house and his neighbors. So, because he can, he chooses not to put curtains on the windows, except for sheers on the bedroom windows. And it's actually quite nice. Private, natural, and plenty of light.

While we were there we all got sick so we spent two full days hanging around D's house, infecting it will our coughs and sniffles. And it was actually very soothing. From his front porch we saw chipmunks, rabbits, squirrel, and birds. I almost expected Snow White and her Seven Dwarfs to knock on the door. :0) So, again, perhaps NC isn't such a bad idea, after all.