The Heavy Load of Love

I remember worrying about decisions I made for my daughter when she was little. How difficult it was when I had to send her to child care for the first time so that I could work, and how important it was to find a place where she would be safe and happy. And I remember worrying about how I handled some of the social tragedies of growing up as a little girl in this beautiful but harsh world. Always wondering, questioning, adjusting, regrouping, succeeding, failing, trying again.

So in many ways what I've been experiencing as a parent to my second child is nothing new. I've been down a similar road before, and despite some pretty big obstacles, my daughter and I both survived. At this point she has started down her own path and I am simply a bystander on a path not too far away, ready and willing to swim a river to get to her if she falls and needs a hand. So far she's really only needed a shout out on ocassion. She's a strong young woman. And my love for her is different now, as she is her own person with her own destiny that began with me but will end seperately. But the love is just as powerful as it ever was. Though the worries are at least a little smaller now.

I really needed to remember this today as I struggle with the choices I have made and will make for my son, a child every bit as wonderful but with very different needs than my girl. His needs in some ways are greater, most certainly in the eyes of the rest of the world, yet in some ways they are smaller and easier. Perhaps just because my eyes are older and my values have changed a bit over time. Except for knowing how to best help him fit into the structure of the world outside of our home -- that is hard. Damn hard some days. And I have stumbled recently.

But I'm getting back up, trying again, marching onward. There is no alternative, really.

But again, it's important for me to remember that every parent, regardless of whether their child is typically developing or not, wants the rest of the world to see through to the beauty within their children. Every parent wants others to know that their child is special and valuable and worth the time and effort to know and encourage, nurture and protect. Being the parent of a special needs child certainly brings with it some unique concerns - all relative to the degree of need, of course - but essentially, at the core, all parents want and worry for their children. No parents have guarantees about how their children will turn out or what the future will hold. We're all just trying to get through, hoping that at the end of the day - and the end of this life - we have had more successes than failures . . . more moments to treasure than ones we wish we could forget.